saving myself

So yesterday i felt suddenly empty, as if i didn't know what my life is supposed to be for. I felt like there were so many things and thoughts within me, till i myself didn't know what exactly those thoughts meant. Sometimes you just know things, but you don't bother to really think about it so it just floats around in your head until you finally acknowledge the thought.

I took a pen and a paper out and started writing to myself. I wrote three long pages nonstop, because suddenly everything i ever felt about myself just came out. I know i'm already supposed to know all of these things because i'm the one who thought about them in the first place. But i don't know, somehow when you actually write it out, the thoughts become real and you finally really acknowledge and believe them.

So i admitted many things about myself, good and bad. I tried to be completely honest, and did my best to not care about my own feelings being hurt by my own words(that's a pretty funny situation). I felt quite vulnerable and naked, like if people knew about all of these things i've kept for so long, nobody would ever look at me the same way nor accept me for who i am anymore.

I may be exaggerating, it's not like i've done horribly mortifying things or killed someone or something. I guess it was just my views, feelings, opinions and selfish desires of life. I had to write it all down so that i could see where i am standing in this world, and it's not a very nice place. After my arms were too sore and i was half asleep from writing, i stopped and read what i wrote.

After writing about the things i admitted to myself, i wrote about what i'm positive i'm really supposed to be like. I wrote about the things that really matter, and how i will be able to live my life to the fullest without caring about things that don't give me any benefit when i really think about it.

I realised that i was blind. I was blind from the real world, from the real, fascinating life i am in. I don't want to be blind anymore, so i fervently hope i will read that letter i wrote to myself when i need someone who understands me. Perhaps i really am the only person in this world who understands Kamalia. So whenever Kamalia is lost, i will save her. I felt like the person who wrote the letter was the most matured i have ever been, so i trusted that person to save Kamalia whenever she needs saving.

We are humans, we get lost along our way. But there's always a road to turn back.